Worries

Yesterday Matt left for a work conference in Orlando and he will be gone until Wednesday. Usually he only goes out of town for work during the week and I am so busy with my own job that it's not really that hard for me. Yesterday I went to drop him off and immediately started getting anxious. The anxiety lessened a little when I got his text that they had made it safely and luckily I had a special event to help out with this morning to keep me occupied. But now I am home alone again trying to find something to do to keep me busy and my mind is running circles. Topic of choice: becoming a mom and all the anxiety that comes along with it.
I am really worried that I won't be a very good mother. I mean, I think I will be a good mom but there are some things that really worry me about having a baby.  One of my biggest worries is about having to go back to work. I love being a dental hygienist and really like my job (for the most part, it has it's days) but where I work they don't really let people work part time. I currently work 38- 40 hours per week and that doesn't include my half hour commute each way and a half hour lunch each day. Right now it's not really an option for me to not work and the job market is so bad there aren't a lot of chances to change to part time with another office. I get worried that working that much won't allow me to be there for my baby as a mother should be. Sometimes I feel like I should have waited longer to get pregnant but we felt like it was right and no time would ever be perfect I know.
Other than the job thing I am worried that I am too selfish. I really am selfish. I think I noticed it for the first time after hygiene school although it had probably been developing for a while. Growing up I mostly had to fend for myself and actually had to sacrifice a lot to take care of my little sisters and brother and I think that now I resent being asked to do stuff that I don't feel is my responsibility (Matt can attest to that). In college I always thought, this is MY time to take care of myself and to enjoy myself and really just make up for a lot I feel like I missed or was deprived of growing up. Well I think that attitude has unfortunately stuck around. I have a very easy and blessed life right now and I am enjoying it. I haven't had to make a lot of sacrifices for a very long time and I think it will be an adjustment to do so again.
Obviously I would never think taking care of my baby isn't my responsibility but there are certain things I have become spoiled by that I think I might have a hard time giving up as unimportant as they are in comparison to raising a child.  Like sleep. I don't do well without adequate rest. And I feel like I will miss out on a lot of fun stuff (how lame does that sound). But really. I am going to meet Matt in Orlando on Wednesday and we are going to stay for a few days. I am really bummed that I won't be able to go on all the fun rides at the parks we are going to and I know this is just the beginning of not being able to do stuff that I love to do. I am sure that I will be able to do a lot of the things I like but sometimes the thought of how much extra work it will be with a baby makes the idea seem so much less fun. With some things there would be no choice but to get a sitter in order to do it and out of all the moms I know, I don't know very many that do that very often. Most of them seem like they just love being with their kids and don't really ever go anywhere without them. So that makes me feel even worse.  And what if I am not patient enough, or kind enough, or loving enough, or forgiving enough, or smart enough?! What if I am inadequate and unable to provide my child with it's basic mental, emotional, or spiritual needs? Oh and I feel like I will never be considered "hot" or "sexy" again. Haha.
Anyways, of all the mothers I know I have never heard any of them express any concerns such as mine. I just needed to record these feelings and to vent. I know reading this I probably sound really depressing but please know that I am not. I am really happy and excited. I KNOW that Heavenly Father entrusted me with this special spirit and that with His help I can do all things (and do them well). I know that He can make these weaknesses my strengths and I really hope that He helps me do that. I know that if I but have faith in Him, He will provide in all things. I am very excited for this next chapter in my life and all of the opportunities it will afford. I feel like I do have A LOT of growing up to do and am excited for the challenge. I just hope that that learning and growing does not come at the expense of a pure and innocent child. In the instances that it may, I am just grateful for the Atonement of my Savior that will allow me to be forgiven of my mistakes and more importantly can make up for all that I lack in my child's life.

Valentines and Snow Tubing

We usually don't celebrate Valentine's Day but we haven't really celebrated our anniversary, Christmas, or birthdays this year so we decided we finally should break down and celebrate something! I surprised Matt with two BYU t-shirts and tickets to one of their basketball games. He looks amazing in his shirts and the game was A LOT of fun thanks in part to Jimmer Fredette!

I asked for some make-up for my gift so Matt took me to get it done and buy some. I have never really owned any make-up and have always just used whatever my friends/roommates would put on me for special occasions. It was fun to get my make-up done, have the girl pick out everything for me, and show me how to put it on. It makes me feel pretty on the increasingly frequent days that I don't! To top off the day we went to an early dinner with Nick and then went by ourselves to see a movie. I had a great Valentine's Day with my two cute boys! I love you guys!

 This weekend we went tubing at Soldier Hollow. Don't worry the baby was fine and probably had fun too. I have to admit that it was a lot scarier than it looked but we had a blast. Nick loved being in the snow and playing with the tubes. He was great riding around as we pulled the tubes and even liked riding up the hill on the tow line. He DID NOT however like going down the hills! Every tine we would get to the top of the hill he would jump out of the tube and say "I am just going to wait here while you guys go down, okay?" Haha. It was SO funny. Finally we would convince him that he HAD to go down with us and we would all three go down together. He would whoop and shout hooray they whole way down and up the tow line again but when we would get to the top it would start all over!

16 Weeks

I will be 16 weeks on Wednesday. All continues to go well. I still haven't had any morning sickness as long as I eat about every half hour. I am quickly losing my mind (as everyone at work will tell you), and I can finally manage to function fairly well on less than 10 hours of sleep a night! Haha. I am enjoying the second trimester as all the books I have been reading say I should. It sure is going by quickly though. I am always shocked at how early on in pregnancy symptoms develop. For some reason I always imagined that having to use the bathroom every 5 minutes, being tired, having cravings, mood swings, etc. all happened when you had a big belly to go along with it. I sure was wrong and am learning quickly! Lately my cravings have been for salad. But not just any salad, like salad bar salad with ranch and sunflower seeds and beets and stuff like that. I try to make myself a salad at home but it just isn't as good!
I have chosen to go with a Midwife for my delivery. They have a group of CNM's that practice at IMC (a big local hospital) so I get all the convenience and peace of mind of delivering in a state of the art hospital with physicians and a NICU but the comfort and open mindedness of a midwife. I really like the fact that the midwife will be able to stay with me throughout my entire labor since I most likely won't have any family here to help me through this new adventure. So far we have only been able to listen to the heart beat which is right where it should be. It is always a very nerve wracking minute while they search for the heart beat and then once they find it it is so relieving and exciting to hear it. I really could listen to it all day. Sometime next month I will get my ultrasound and we can see how everything looks and find out the sex.
I finally decided it was time to start the belly pics! I haven't been able to button my jeans for a few weeks now. I have just been tieing them with a hair band and this week I finally decided it was time for me to get a bellaband. So far it looks better than the hair tie but we will have to see how well it stays in place as I wear it more. So here is me at 4 months. The pictures aren't that great because I had to take them myself. *Grumble, grumble* I still don't think I look pregnant at all and I get super bugged when people tell me I have a belly already when I have my work scrubs on. Seriously, there is now way you can tell I am pregnant with scrubs on so I just feel like they are calling me fat.

And in other news...
Here are some pics of Matt and Nick having a good time. These boys are so silly. Matt is super excited to have another baby. Every once in a while he will tell me "Hurry up and have that kid already, I really want him to be here so I can hold him and play with him" to which I reply "I guess you should have thought of that earlier".
Nick understands that there is a baby in my tummy because he told his mother that, but he doesn't talk about it much to us.