Worries

Yesterday Matt left for a work conference in Orlando and he will be gone until Wednesday. Usually he only goes out of town for work during the week and I am so busy with my own job that it's not really that hard for me. Yesterday I went to drop him off and immediately started getting anxious. The anxiety lessened a little when I got his text that they had made it safely and luckily I had a special event to help out with this morning to keep me occupied. But now I am home alone again trying to find something to do to keep me busy and my mind is running circles. Topic of choice: becoming a mom and all the anxiety that comes along with it.
I am really worried that I won't be a very good mother. I mean, I think I will be a good mom but there are some things that really worry me about having a baby.  One of my biggest worries is about having to go back to work. I love being a dental hygienist and really like my job (for the most part, it has it's days) but where I work they don't really let people work part time. I currently work 38- 40 hours per week and that doesn't include my half hour commute each way and a half hour lunch each day. Right now it's not really an option for me to not work and the job market is so bad there aren't a lot of chances to change to part time with another office. I get worried that working that much won't allow me to be there for my baby as a mother should be. Sometimes I feel like I should have waited longer to get pregnant but we felt like it was right and no time would ever be perfect I know.
Other than the job thing I am worried that I am too selfish. I really am selfish. I think I noticed it for the first time after hygiene school although it had probably been developing for a while. Growing up I mostly had to fend for myself and actually had to sacrifice a lot to take care of my little sisters and brother and I think that now I resent being asked to do stuff that I don't feel is my responsibility (Matt can attest to that). In college I always thought, this is MY time to take care of myself and to enjoy myself and really just make up for a lot I feel like I missed or was deprived of growing up. Well I think that attitude has unfortunately stuck around. I have a very easy and blessed life right now and I am enjoying it. I haven't had to make a lot of sacrifices for a very long time and I think it will be an adjustment to do so again.
Obviously I would never think taking care of my baby isn't my responsibility but there are certain things I have become spoiled by that I think I might have a hard time giving up as unimportant as they are in comparison to raising a child.  Like sleep. I don't do well without adequate rest. And I feel like I will miss out on a lot of fun stuff (how lame does that sound). But really. I am going to meet Matt in Orlando on Wednesday and we are going to stay for a few days. I am really bummed that I won't be able to go on all the fun rides at the parks we are going to and I know this is just the beginning of not being able to do stuff that I love to do. I am sure that I will be able to do a lot of the things I like but sometimes the thought of how much extra work it will be with a baby makes the idea seem so much less fun. With some things there would be no choice but to get a sitter in order to do it and out of all the moms I know, I don't know very many that do that very often. Most of them seem like they just love being with their kids and don't really ever go anywhere without them. So that makes me feel even worse.  And what if I am not patient enough, or kind enough, or loving enough, or forgiving enough, or smart enough?! What if I am inadequate and unable to provide my child with it's basic mental, emotional, or spiritual needs? Oh and I feel like I will never be considered "hot" or "sexy" again. Haha.
Anyways, of all the mothers I know I have never heard any of them express any concerns such as mine. I just needed to record these feelings and to vent. I know reading this I probably sound really depressing but please know that I am not. I am really happy and excited. I KNOW that Heavenly Father entrusted me with this special spirit and that with His help I can do all things (and do them well). I know that He can make these weaknesses my strengths and I really hope that He helps me do that. I know that if I but have faith in Him, He will provide in all things. I am very excited for this next chapter in my life and all of the opportunities it will afford. I feel like I do have A LOT of growing up to do and am excited for the challenge. I just hope that that learning and growing does not come at the expense of a pure and innocent child. In the instances that it may, I am just grateful for the Atonement of my Savior that will allow me to be forgiven of my mistakes and more importantly can make up for all that I lack in my child's life.