Stressed and Blessed

Back in March I remember thinking how easy life was at the time. Things were great. I was having a great first pregnancy, Matt and I were really happy, work was going pretty good for both of us, we were getting ready to do our yard for the summer which I was SO excited about, and I just remember thinking "life is so easy right now" and as soon as I would think that I would think "don't say that, because when life is easy it means your not progressing and Heavenly Father doesn't like it when you're not progressing". Well sure enough, He noticed and He must have decided that it was time for me to start progressing again because now things are anything but easy!
It all started when I got called to be a Primary Teacher. Not that that was the cause it was the just what happened first. I hadn't had a calling since we moved last year and kept asking for one because I wanted to serve. Well they waited until I was 6 months pregnant to call me to co-teach the CTR 7 Class. I was surprised about the call but the 7 year olds aren't too bad and I have a co-teacher so I wasn't too worried about it. That lasted one week and then our ward split, which I was NOT excited about. It takes me a long time to make friends and I was just starting to get to know people and then they were splitting the ward?!? Great. In the new ward I got called to teach 9 rowdy four year olds, by myself, and now I am seven months pregnant. I cried after church every sunday for a month! It's gotten better and today I was grateful to be distracted from all of the other stresses in my life and go play games with them during church! I think this calling also might help me get out of my shell and make more friends in the ward too.
Around the end of March we were talking about our budget and I had the thought that we should put in a basement apartment and rent it out to have a little extra income. So we started working on that in April and were hoping to have it done by the middle of May, not knowing at the time that WE would actually be the ones to end up living in it. "Why is that?" you ask. Well....
Sometime around the end of April or beginning of May, Matt came home with some not very good news about his company. They weren't doing well in Utah and wanted to shut down their office here and move to Vegas to work out of the office there because it was the only profitable area. So the other two owners put their homes up for rent, found apartments, and were all set to move! Well, what about us?!?! We are not in the position to just pick up and move our life to Vegas. I have a full time job (the other wives stay at home with young children) that has been our only steady source of income because Matt's company has been so up and down, I am pregnant and wouldn't want to move until after the baby comes anyways, and we have Nick here so if we move how are we going to be able to see him? So what the heck are we going to do?
Luckily, or I really should say blessedly, we were able to figure out a semi-decent plan. We got an apartment in Vegas for Matt to stay in when he is down there for work. We are still working on finishing the basement and should hopefully be done with it within the next week. That has been probably the most stressful part for sure. Nothing wants to go right with it. All of the people we have hired to do the work have either done a bad job or have taken at least three times longer to do the work than they should have. The basement was originally supposed to be done three weeks ago (and on a much smaller budget than it is turning out to). It is in the drywall stage still! Which means in the next week we are supposed to paint, install flooring, do trim, doors, etc., install cabinets and countertops, finish electrical and plumbing, much less all the packing, moving, and cleaning that needs to be done! Oh, and that's all to be done after a full day of work too! Yay. So, when (if) the basement ever gets done, I will move down there. Another bitter sweet thing is...we are going to rent out the top two floors of our home. This is great because we were able to quickly find a great family to rent to, but not so great because it's my brand new house that I worked so hard for and liked so much! I am going to miss it terribly and am very worried about what might happen to it while I am not living here. Also, the renters are all set to move in next week and the basement isn't very close to being done. And I am eight months pregnant. After a full day of work I am exhausted. How am I supposed to pack and move and clean and clean and unpack and move (even if it is just down a flight of stairs)?
Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can handle right? Well there is more! Two people were fired from my office within the last two weeks so we are short handed there. And Matt officially started work in Vegas this past week so he will be gone a lot more than I would like him to be at this time with all the basement projects, moving, and being so far along in my pregnancy. And PLEASE, whatever you do, don't ask me what we are going to do when the baby comes. I don't know and I don't want to think about it. Am I going to move to Vegas and live with Matt and maybe even be a stay at home mom? That would be cool but probably not. I would love to but like I said right now my job pays the bills. Or I could go through all the paperwork and application fees to get a hygiene license in Nevada and work a few days a week. But what about Nick? We can't just move to Vegas, when would we get to see him? We would have to come up here at least every other weekend from Thursday to Monday. So does that mean I get to live by myself in the basement and work full time and have to pretty much be a single parent with a new born that will have to spend 9-10 hours a day in daycare 5 days a week? Possibly. Will Matt have to leave the company he has worked so hard to build? Maybe. And then what will he do? Is this what I thought my life was going to be like last year when we decided we wanted to have a baby? NO! I am a planner, I had everything all planned out. But alas, I am not THE planner so it doesn't really matter does it? Right now I wish for nothing more than to have that easy life back. I just want to work and come home and shop online for baby paraphernalia and watch TV and plan summer fun for when I am on maternity leave.
I think about all of this and my head just wants to EXPLODE. Then I think a little more deeply and realize that yes this is all very stressful and not how I want my life to be right now BUT it really could be worse and we REALLY are very blessed. We both still have our jobs. We are all healthy and the pregnancy is going along as smoothly as could be expected. We have a place (actually places) to live and they are both much better than a lot of people have. We were able to find great renters. And maybe by some miracle the basement will be done on time and all of that will go well too. As expensive as this has all been it has worked out okay. We have wonderful family, friends, and neighbors that are there to help us when we need it. My faith has been tested for sure and I can feel it growing more and more each day (something that wasn't happening when my life was easy) as has my gratitude, and patience. Which is good, because I don't think this is going to be over soon.
Thanks for listening to me complain. I feel so much better getting all of this out. And if I seem a bit edgy, grumpy, or just down right mean the next time you see me please forgive me. I am trying!

24 Weeks

Yes that is equivalent to six months! Yay.

Things still continue to go really well on the pregnancy front. I first felt the baby move right on the 18 week mark. Matt felt it for the first time on the 19 week mark. We found out we are having a bouncing baby boy at 20 weeks and let me tell you, he is already a rowdy boy. He is constantly moving and kicking! Matt is already calling him "Troy" and I am in a desperate search for a name that just feels right. Nick has felt him kick too, it was fun to see him get so excited.  I am measuring right on for my July 27th due date and officially weigh more than I have ever weighed (although that scale at the midwife clinic is fishy to me, it is always more than mine at home).

Nick is at such a fun age right now. He is still a cute little toddler but his mind is working ALL of the time! One night we sat down to dinner and he had been watching Toy Story while I was cooking and he asked his dad "Dad, what is a hockey puck?" So Matt started to tell him what it was and he asked "What does it look like?" So we pulled up a picture of a hockey puck on the computer. Then Nick asks "Dad, what is bad news?" Matt was trying to think of an explanation when Nick asked "What does bad news look like?" Haha. We couldn't just pull an image of that up on the computer. He is at the stage where he asks "why?" to everything. It is hard to keep coming up with answers so after awhile I learned to say "I don't know, why do you think?" That seems to be working well so far! 

He also says some hilarious stuff. One night he was just playing with some toys and kept saying "everything is running like clockwork for me today". The funniest thing I can think of that he did lately though was when he was being a little stinker and got in trouble so Matt was carrying him up to his room for time out and he was not happy about it. He was whining and then he told Matt "I don't want to go to time out, put me down you moron!" Matt and I had a hard time hiding our faces as we were cracking up!

Here is a video of Matt and Nick playing "horsie". Matt is seriously the best dad ever. He is so much fun and is SO caring and loving. Me and these boys are so blessed to have him.

Matt and I went on a "babymoon" to Orlando, Florida about a month ago. We went to Universal Studios and Island Adventure. We definitely liked Island Adventure and the Harry Potter ride the best. They have some sweet roller coasters that I would like to go back and ride one day. We spent some time at the beach in Tampa but it was too windy and the sand blasting our skin wasn't the most pleasant so we ended up walking around the pier checking out the pelicans. We went shopping, out to eat, and tried to get a tan but it was really overcast most of the time. It was a quick trip but fun for the most part and a nice break from work.

Worries

Yesterday Matt left for a work conference in Orlando and he will be gone until Wednesday. Usually he only goes out of town for work during the week and I am so busy with my own job that it's not really that hard for me. Yesterday I went to drop him off and immediately started getting anxious. The anxiety lessened a little when I got his text that they had made it safely and luckily I had a special event to help out with this morning to keep me occupied. But now I am home alone again trying to find something to do to keep me busy and my mind is running circles. Topic of choice: becoming a mom and all the anxiety that comes along with it.
I am really worried that I won't be a very good mother. I mean, I think I will be a good mom but there are some things that really worry me about having a baby.  One of my biggest worries is about having to go back to work. I love being a dental hygienist and really like my job (for the most part, it has it's days) but where I work they don't really let people work part time. I currently work 38- 40 hours per week and that doesn't include my half hour commute each way and a half hour lunch each day. Right now it's not really an option for me to not work and the job market is so bad there aren't a lot of chances to change to part time with another office. I get worried that working that much won't allow me to be there for my baby as a mother should be. Sometimes I feel like I should have waited longer to get pregnant but we felt like it was right and no time would ever be perfect I know.
Other than the job thing I am worried that I am too selfish. I really am selfish. I think I noticed it for the first time after hygiene school although it had probably been developing for a while. Growing up I mostly had to fend for myself and actually had to sacrifice a lot to take care of my little sisters and brother and I think that now I resent being asked to do stuff that I don't feel is my responsibility (Matt can attest to that). In college I always thought, this is MY time to take care of myself and to enjoy myself and really just make up for a lot I feel like I missed or was deprived of growing up. Well I think that attitude has unfortunately stuck around. I have a very easy and blessed life right now and I am enjoying it. I haven't had to make a lot of sacrifices for a very long time and I think it will be an adjustment to do so again.
Obviously I would never think taking care of my baby isn't my responsibility but there are certain things I have become spoiled by that I think I might have a hard time giving up as unimportant as they are in comparison to raising a child.  Like sleep. I don't do well without adequate rest. And I feel like I will miss out on a lot of fun stuff (how lame does that sound). But really. I am going to meet Matt in Orlando on Wednesday and we are going to stay for a few days. I am really bummed that I won't be able to go on all the fun rides at the parks we are going to and I know this is just the beginning of not being able to do stuff that I love to do. I am sure that I will be able to do a lot of the things I like but sometimes the thought of how much extra work it will be with a baby makes the idea seem so much less fun. With some things there would be no choice but to get a sitter in order to do it and out of all the moms I know, I don't know very many that do that very often. Most of them seem like they just love being with their kids and don't really ever go anywhere without them. So that makes me feel even worse.  And what if I am not patient enough, or kind enough, or loving enough, or forgiving enough, or smart enough?! What if I am inadequate and unable to provide my child with it's basic mental, emotional, or spiritual needs? Oh and I feel like I will never be considered "hot" or "sexy" again. Haha.
Anyways, of all the mothers I know I have never heard any of them express any concerns such as mine. I just needed to record these feelings and to vent. I know reading this I probably sound really depressing but please know that I am not. I am really happy and excited. I KNOW that Heavenly Father entrusted me with this special spirit and that with His help I can do all things (and do them well). I know that He can make these weaknesses my strengths and I really hope that He helps me do that. I know that if I but have faith in Him, He will provide in all things. I am very excited for this next chapter in my life and all of the opportunities it will afford. I feel like I do have A LOT of growing up to do and am excited for the challenge. I just hope that that learning and growing does not come at the expense of a pure and innocent child. In the instances that it may, I am just grateful for the Atonement of my Savior that will allow me to be forgiven of my mistakes and more importantly can make up for all that I lack in my child's life.

Valentines and Snow Tubing

We usually don't celebrate Valentine's Day but we haven't really celebrated our anniversary, Christmas, or birthdays this year so we decided we finally should break down and celebrate something! I surprised Matt with two BYU t-shirts and tickets to one of their basketball games. He looks amazing in his shirts and the game was A LOT of fun thanks in part to Jimmer Fredette!

I asked for some make-up for my gift so Matt took me to get it done and buy some. I have never really owned any make-up and have always just used whatever my friends/roommates would put on me for special occasions. It was fun to get my make-up done, have the girl pick out everything for me, and show me how to put it on. It makes me feel pretty on the increasingly frequent days that I don't! To top off the day we went to an early dinner with Nick and then went by ourselves to see a movie. I had a great Valentine's Day with my two cute boys! I love you guys!

 This weekend we went tubing at Soldier Hollow. Don't worry the baby was fine and probably had fun too. I have to admit that it was a lot scarier than it looked but we had a blast. Nick loved being in the snow and playing with the tubes. He was great riding around as we pulled the tubes and even liked riding up the hill on the tow line. He DID NOT however like going down the hills! Every tine we would get to the top of the hill he would jump out of the tube and say "I am just going to wait here while you guys go down, okay?" Haha. It was SO funny. Finally we would convince him that he HAD to go down with us and we would all three go down together. He would whoop and shout hooray they whole way down and up the tow line again but when we would get to the top it would start all over!

16 Weeks

I will be 16 weeks on Wednesday. All continues to go well. I still haven't had any morning sickness as long as I eat about every half hour. I am quickly losing my mind (as everyone at work will tell you), and I can finally manage to function fairly well on less than 10 hours of sleep a night! Haha. I am enjoying the second trimester as all the books I have been reading say I should. It sure is going by quickly though. I am always shocked at how early on in pregnancy symptoms develop. For some reason I always imagined that having to use the bathroom every 5 minutes, being tired, having cravings, mood swings, etc. all happened when you had a big belly to go along with it. I sure was wrong and am learning quickly! Lately my cravings have been for salad. But not just any salad, like salad bar salad with ranch and sunflower seeds and beets and stuff like that. I try to make myself a salad at home but it just isn't as good!
I have chosen to go with a Midwife for my delivery. They have a group of CNM's that practice at IMC (a big local hospital) so I get all the convenience and peace of mind of delivering in a state of the art hospital with physicians and a NICU but the comfort and open mindedness of a midwife. I really like the fact that the midwife will be able to stay with me throughout my entire labor since I most likely won't have any family here to help me through this new adventure. So far we have only been able to listen to the heart beat which is right where it should be. It is always a very nerve wracking minute while they search for the heart beat and then once they find it it is so relieving and exciting to hear it. I really could listen to it all day. Sometime next month I will get my ultrasound and we can see how everything looks and find out the sex.
I finally decided it was time to start the belly pics! I haven't been able to button my jeans for a few weeks now. I have just been tieing them with a hair band and this week I finally decided it was time for me to get a bellaband. So far it looks better than the hair tie but we will have to see how well it stays in place as I wear it more. So here is me at 4 months. The pictures aren't that great because I had to take them myself. *Grumble, grumble* I still don't think I look pregnant at all and I get super bugged when people tell me I have a belly already when I have my work scrubs on. Seriously, there is now way you can tell I am pregnant with scrubs on so I just feel like they are calling me fat.

And in other news...
Here are some pics of Matt and Nick having a good time. These boys are so silly. Matt is super excited to have another baby. Every once in a while he will tell me "Hurry up and have that kid already, I really want him to be here so I can hold him and play with him" to which I reply "I guess you should have thought of that earlier".
Nick understands that there is a baby in my tummy because he told his mother that, but he doesn't talk about it much to us.